Itsu Made Mo
by Shartae
Summary: Yukimura x Saizo yaoi: Yukimura visits Saizo's grave and recounts their years together.


Disclaimer: Don't own em, Akimine Kamijyo does.

Ok… This fanfic is in first person from Yukimura's perspective and is centered on, Yukimura and Saizo. (As if you couldn't figure that out.) So yes it does have quite a bit of yaoi in it. If you don't like hearing about a man loving another man, then hit the back button. And now onto the fanfic:

**Itsu Made Mo **

**(Forever)**

_**Yukimura's Perspective:**_

How many months has it been now? Almost a year, maybe?

I come here once a week now to stare at your grave, Kirigakure Saizo, at the marble stone beneath my fingertips with your name etched into it. My servant, my companion, my friend, and my lover.

The others do not disturb me when I come here; I think they know that I need this time to myself, even if it means risking my life to stand unguarded atop the hillside overlooking Kudoyama. I know you would fret indignantly at this careless action if you were here…

_If you were here…_

You told me once a long time ago that no matter what happened you would be there to the end, you would always be two steps behind me. After all you were my shadow.

" _Just look behind_ _you on the ground," he had said._

_" Why? Are you lying on the ground?" I asked, still checking the ground just in case, for Saizo was well known for his sudden random actions that would sometimes leave me stunned. _

_" No," he replied exasperatedly and stepped beside me, " look the sun is casting your shadow a little taller than you, so no matter what happens you know that it's actually me following you to make sure your safe. I'll always be there." _

_Being left speechless was something rare for me, I prided myself on my ability to expect the unexpected as they would say, but the words from his mouth and the implication of their meaning was a little too heartfelt even for someone like me. _

_" So… you follow me when I take a piss?" Of course, I still knew my comebacks. _

_I could already hear his teeth grinding as he strained to keep control of his temper and I laughed merrily swinging the sake bottle into my left hand, before latching onto his shoulder with my right. He sputtered for a moment at the gentle gesture before sighing and continuing to walk along the path we were on. _

_" I know what you meant," I had murmured after a few minutes of silence._

" I know…" 

Those words are one of the few things that keep me going, it's always reassuring to look back and see the dark shadow following me no matter where I go, but it does not take away the cold silence that follows me now. I always expect to hear your voice whether to scold me like a jealous wife or murmur inquiringly as to my state of mind.

Every now and then I think I hear you teasing me for being too uptight as you would when I worried too much. And it hurts to look back and see only the empty space where you once stood and smiled hesitantly at me. It's just my mind playing tricks on me, tormenting me over and over again.

It's worse because I do not know for certain whether you are alive or dead. Your body was never found. Only your broken sword and tattered bandana were left at our last battlefield and the pools of blood that covered the ground in every direction, but no body.

I pray everyday that you are alive, wishing subconsciously that you will return to me.

I remember the good times even as far back as when Sasuke…Shindara, first introduced you to me. You were a bit haughty with me back then, although I guess I was just a bit immature myself, but after several years I learned that I could depend on you. You would write reports for me every now and then when I got lazy, saving me from Isa's wrath, you managed to match my writing style almost perfectly to the point where no one knew the difference.

You also cleaned after me and you never complained about running errands, no matter how mundane or stupid, but even then I don't think I really knew how far I could trust you, not until the day when you first took a blow to the side for me.

You saved my life, but you didn't expect anything in return. I tried to offer you money, even women, but you refused and walked away injured but still alive after the ambush on my life.

This occurred more then once where you would get injured for me, but never wanted anything in return.

" _I don't need praises from you or kindness. I don't even need you to acknowledge my existence, all I want is for you to allow me to continue to follow you, Yukimura-sama." _

Those words had startled me rather badly; you had uttered them soon after catching Nobuyuki's sword at Ieyasu's tournament, when I had come to find you just outside the city in the forest.

You had been bandaging your injured hands and doing a good job of avoiding my eyes and though you had spoken the words in a soft almost hushed tone, their meaning did not evade me.

After Shindara had left the Juyushi I know that you felt it was your responsibility to be as strong as him and though you succeeded in becoming leader of the Koga ninja's and one of my most trusted Juyushi, I think you began to realize that no matter how hard you tried, you could never get to the same level as Shindara.

You were a strong warrior, but never as good as Shindara and while I trusted you beyond any doubt, knew that you would never betray me after all the proof you had given me of your loyalty, I still could not open up to you, as I could so easily to Shindara.

So you feared that one day I would turn you away, as if you were a disposable warrior.

_" I exist only to serve you, Yukimura-sama. I have no home, I have no family, and I have no hope for the future other than with the Sanada."_

You never talked much about your past or why Shindara had picked you out of all the others to be a Juyushi, but you rarely smiled when I first met you and from some of the words you would speak I got the impression that something bad had happened to you in the past that had very nearly broken you into pieces.

Seeing you there sitting against a tree trying to bandage your hands even though you could barely coordinate them after how far the sword had dug into them, I don't really know which one of us was more startled when I sat down beside you and took the bandages from your hands and began wrapping them myself.

It was after this that the events with Kyo-san began when we were fighting against the Mibu. You stuck adamantly by me no matter what I did. I took risks, going so far as to almost betray you and the other Juyushi, but you were still there.

It was only a few months after this that I finally decided to make you my lover, after the events with Mizuki, I had pretty much pushed the thought of a long-term relationship out of my mind and I had sworn never to get into anything intimate with my Juyushi. I didn't want to make any of them suffer on my account.

But I was throwing all my rules out the window and instead began seducing you rather viciously, border lining on drugging you into my bed, not that that would have worked of course, you were immune to most drugs, and you could easily detect them.

Hell, it took weeks of persuasion before I actually got you into my bed. It was almost like as if you were immune to my charm, though I know that by the time I was done, you had almost been driven insane from my teasing.

I'd bedded with quite a few men in the past before sleeping with you. Some liked it rough, some wanted to be on top every time, some liked it fast, and some were like logs… I did not mean that in the literal sense.

You were a little of everything, a sharp contrast in every sense. You didn't need the gentle tenderness that I would offer to women, but you were never rough like most of the men. In fact I think half the time you treated me like a woman in some strange sense…if that made any sense, but you didn't have any preferences really regarding sex. You just liked to experiment with everything.

For the first half year after I slept with you, you doubted my sincerity, on me wanting you as my lover, a constant companion. True I did still flirt with the village girls, even dragged a few down to the forest floor with me, but even then I still went back to you.

I had no qualms with showing off my relationship with you to others, but I knew you hated it when I would wrap my arms around your shoulders and Kosukes' eyebrows would shoot up to her hairline, though even you would admit later that some of the reactions we could garner out of people were humorous.

Ten years… We got ten years to ourselves and now again as the sun is setting I'm reminded that I'm standing on a hill facing a slate gray stone with your name inscribed on it. The sky is turning the same color as your eyes, an almost midnight blue, haunting eyes…

My shadow is beginning to disappear with the light; only the soft outline of black is left to accompany me as I leave the hillside. I know that I will be back next week to see you again, my love.

You promised me forever and you never break your promise. Where there is light there shall also be darkness, so come back to me.

Please…… 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  
_Finally finished something. : Sigh:_

_I wanted to make it so that it was kind of like Yukimura was talking to Saizo's grave and I tried my best to do a little story weaving on their relationship. ;_

_This is a little different from what I'm used to writing so I hope it turned out ok. Tell me what you think._


End file.
